Saturday, September 12, 2009

A Fair is a Veritable Smorgasbord...

Oh, the county fair, epitome of taste, pinnacle of social graces, standard by which to judge the continuing devolution of the human form...ahhh, how I've missed you.

This afternoon I went with my family to revisit the bosom of my youth, the Bethlehem Fair. It was a gray afternoon, redolent with the scent of sizzling grease and sugar. The ground was slick, spongy with mud in places, and strewn with hay already soaking through. But despite the drizzle and the mud we plowed on resolutely into the heart of the beast.

And what an odd beast it was. The fair is a spectacle almost beyond description, an event and a cataclysm existing on many different planes simultaneously. Heritage and tradition, bundt cakes and oxen pulls, stand along side hot-tub vendors and faux-Tibetan trinket stands. In the span of ten feet, I could watch draft horses haul stone blocks and find a decorative southwestern poncho that matched my eyes. I could eat kettle corn popped before my eyes or have the Harley Davidson logo put on my shoulder in henna tattoo. Homemade pickles, knock-off t-shirts, warm apple cider, ice cold Vitamin Water. It fairly boggles the mind.

And nothing is quite so engrossing as watching the crowds themselves. Even here, in Connecticut - Connecticut, for crissakes - there is nothing so tawdry, nothing so skin-crawlingly delightful as the average fair goer. Neck tattoos of Chinese characters (people still get those?), tweens in halter-tops, the morbidly obese...you can't help but gawk at the gawkers. I wandered the crowd, part of it but feeling utterly apart, dazzled by the raw stink and shine of it all.

So what did I do at the fair? Well, I ate. Perhaps wanting to blend into that seething mass of humanity with morbid obesity of my very own, I seemed to work methodically through the fair's various food sellers. Fried dough, onion rings, a roast pork sandwich, very good blueberry shortcake, birch beer, apple fritters...not my personal best, but not bad either. We wandered the barns, looking at photographs, macramé, and preserves, and dodged the splatter of beef cow effluvia. We 'ooohhh'ed and 'awwww'ed at lop-eared rabbits and three horned goats, and watched the vague indignity of a mechanical milking machine being attached to a Jersey's udder. We visited the hand sanitizer dispenser, more as proof against the germs borne by slack jawed yokels than by the hogs or horses.

And then, satiated by crudeness and cholesterol, we left for home, past the sad cries of the carneys and the games barkers, past the art barn, past the screaming metal of the ferris wheel and tilt-a-whirl. The last sight was the hulking form of the portable funhouse. On its sides freakish clowns were painted, and obscene pig-nosed caricatures leered down at us. A bit too on the nose perhaps, but what can you do. We went home, full, sleepy, and secure, for the moment at least, in our own comparative normalcy. But even now, I'm thinking about that shortcake, about that once-a-year pork sandwich. I might have to go back again tomorrow...

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Fear of a Bee Planet

It turns out that it might not be Africanized honeybees we need to be afraid of; maybe we should be worried about the Americanized kind.

I read an article yesterday in the latest issue of Discover that discussed colony collapse disorder, or CCD, the mysterious die-off and disappearance of honeybees sweeping North America for the past decade or so. For years the causes of CCD were unknown; everything from mites to air pollution to global warming was blamed, but nothing seemed conclusive. The issue came to the national fore when, in true capitalist fashion, a monetary value was ascribed to the dying bees: worldwide honeybees are responsible for pollinating a vast amount of agricultural crops. In fact, pollination is of such importance to American farms and orchards that an entire industry of honeybee pollination has grown from niche service to big business. And apparently, that's the root of the problem.

It seems that what's causing CCD and killing honeybees is basically what's killing Americans too, a lifestyle built around profit, monoculture, monotony, and slavish devotion to industry. Consider an average industrial bee-keeping outfit. Hundreds, sometimes thousands of hives are shipped around together on flatbed trucks, moved from orchard to orchard as the season progresses, used as an agricultural tool more than a living agent. The bees, which have been genetically selected and managed by their keepers, are fed through the winter months on corn syrup, pumped into their hives via gasoline nozzles. And we wonder just what could possibly go wrong...

What CCD seems to be, at least among commercial honeybees, is simply this industrialized lifestyle finally catching up with the little buzzers. The stress placed on these utility bees is immense; trucked around on a whim, left to find their home amongst hundreds of identical hives, the bees natural homing instincts are pushed to the limit. How can you perform a waggle dance when the last blossom you visited was two hundred miles away, the day before? Another problem with this lifestyle is nutritional. Under ordinary circumstances, bees visit a myriad of flowers, each of which has pollen with its own trace minerals and proteins. But when a hive is brought in to specifically pollinate a cherry or apple orchard, the bees feed on that type of pollen and that type of pollen alone, often for months at a time. And in the winter months, corn syrup alone sustains the bees, giving them the energy needed to survive perhaps, but offering little else. It'd sort of be like a person trying to live exclusively off Big Macs and Coke. Sound familiar?

So ultimately, what's responsible for colony collapse disorder? Well, we are. In turning honeybees into cogs in the industrialized agriculture system, in trying to get them to live like we do, overworked and unhealthily, we push them to ruin. There's no great mystery, so 'smoking mite' to ascribe blame to. The bees are disappearing because nothing in the natural world can survive the American way. Maybe we should all pay attention.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Meet The New Breed


This past weekend, I visited friends who happened to be dog-sitting for a few days. They were watching two dogs, Cody, a yellow lab, and Hugo, an English bulldog. Seeing as how the three of us, the two dogs and I, equally shared rights to the couch, I got to know the canines somewhat intimately. Cody was a sweetheart, though she shed something terrible, and Hugo...well, Hugo got me thinking.

I won't deny there was something fascinating about the bulldog, something endearing. You might say he was lovable, though, if pressed for specifics, you'd have trouble explaining why. The fact was, Hugo was a bit of a lump. An ugly lump at that.

Now I don't mean to pick on poor Hugo here, and as I said, there was something undeniably likable about him. But I couldn't tell you just what that was. He was entertaining, but mostly in the way a freak-show is entertaining. For freakish he was: he had a pronounced underbite, and his jowls hung down about his chops in flaps and folds. Slobber would occasionally fleck his jaws, and when he drank, water and drool would drip from his mouth and trail across the carpet. His eyes were rheumy and bloodshot, leaking gunk from the corners. His hindquarters seemed to be some impediment to his locomotion; he stumbled about and dragged himself onto and across the couch. He panted like an overweight asthmatic. When he slept, he snored, and when he wasn't sleeping, he might as well have been, so lethargic was he. He futilely humped the grill cover (well, that was amusing). And though he had little trouble finding his food dish, poor Hugo just didn't seem too bright.

Hugo was not an exceptional bulldog nor was he below average; if anything, he was fairly indicative of his whole race. For centuries the bulldog has been bred into the sideshow attraction it now is. The jawline has been contorted into the underslung scowl we now see. The head has been enlarged compared to body size, to the point that most bulldog litters must now be delivered by caesarean section, the puppies too malformed to be born naturally. The hindquarters are bowlegged, and the stubby tail and facial folds must be cleaned often to avoid bacterial infection. And that dull look in the bulldog's eyes may be because its cranial capacity has been curtailed in pursuit of a short muzzle and archetypal profile. The bulldog has been twisted into this form for one reason and one reason only: to suit the whim of man.

The bulldog should not exist. As a creature, is is the antithesis of evolutionary fitness, surviving only because people delight in the bulldog's a-typical appearance. People love a freak, and so they breed bulldogs (and many other breeds) to maximize that freakishness. Now, what we have is a type of dog that can't reproduce on its own, has a short expected lifespan, and is prone to an inordinate amount of ailments during that life. The bulldog, for his part, hasn't asked for this lot. As an animal, he is a victim of human hubris.

It's difficult to remember when looking into the sad, baleful eyes of a bulldog that once those eyes belonged to the wolf. Once, millennia ago, the bulldog's distant ancestors stalked the forests with a grim nobility. They were hunters, intelligent social creatures, honed by Darwinian forces into some of the most successful survivors ever. Domestication was in many ways just another form of that survival: wolves are around us still, in the guise of Canis familiaris. But what a disguise it is. Who could mistake the bumbling ugliness of the bulldog for the sleek and predatory grace of the wolf?

Don't get me wrong; I liked Hugo, sort of. I was vaguely disgusted by his drooling, by his slobbishness, but more than anything I felt sorry for him. We laughed at him when he tried to climb onto the couch, we laughed when he snored in the corner, we laughed when his bowlegged haunches humped wistfully on the grill cover. He just looked at us, with those mournful eyes of his. He was bred to be the butt of our jokes. Poor little guy.

Canis lupus

Canis lupus familiaris (English bulldog)

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

A Tale of Two Corns



Today, I saw something that made my blood run a little cold: coming down Rt 6 from Watertown towards Bethlehem, passing a farm I pass almost every day, I noticed a field of corn bordered by a row of white and red signs. I recognized the signs from a distance, and my jaw clenched a bit. I'd seen plenty of the signs, or those like them, before, during the brief time I lived in Iowa. Out there, in the green desert, many fields sprout such warning signs, as unsettling as those demarcating a land-mine zone. As I drove closer, the signs revealed themselves, plastic placards on stakes, red and white, simple. Each one bore the name ConAgra. Hybrid, GMO, copyrighted corn had come to my little corner of Connecticut.

ConAgra, like its bigger brother Monsanto, is one of the chief faces of evil in the realm of industrial agriculture. As well as dabbling in confinement livestock factory farming, ConAgra makes its name building frankenfoods. Now, for what it's worth, I'm not as opposed to genetically modified crops as you might think (I'll devote time soon as to just why), and unsettling as the whole idea may be, what truly upsets me is the industry's tendency to treat their corn as intellectual property.

Farmers planting ConAgra hybrids must register with the corporation, risking legal action if they should try to plant a second year's crop with their own seed corn instead of re-upping from the parent company itself. Worse, should TM corn be found growing in a neighboring farmer's field, even if it hybridizes accidentally or is spread by mistake, that farmer can be sued for illegally possessing the equivalent of stolen corn. In return for high yields and straight rows, farmers forsake their freedom, and the industry reaps the profits.

I always considered Iowa a lost cause; the farmers there seemed just too far indebted to the system, and too weak-willed, to ever get out from under the corporate thumb. But to see the mark of ConAgra greed and a grower's ignorance so close to home was unsettling. It left a bad taste in my mouth.

There was, however, a nice counterpoint to that ConAgra corn field, just a little further down the road. Another sign, though this one a little more welcoming: a giant plywood ear of corn, green and yellow, advertising native sweet corn at Logue's Farm (credit where credit's due, Logue's has the best butter and sugar corn this season, beating Towne's farm hands down). Sweet corn season is one of the most pleasant in northwest CT, late summer when the weather swelters and then cools, and the green of the landscape seems to deepen in its final moments. And the sweet corn itself embodies what's best in local, seasonal eating. As delicious as it is, it comes and goes in a matter of months; you eat all you can and then hope the taste lingers till the following year.

Within half a mile, I saw two very different ends of the agricultural spectrum. One corn crop was good for nothing but high-fructose syrup or cattle feed, an industrial engineered shackle around a farmer's leg. The other, sweet, crisp, fleeting, stood in my mind for a lot of what is right with the local food movement. I know which end of the spectrum I prefer. I drove home, with the giant wooden ear receding in my rear-view mirror. It looked good enough to eat.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

A Poem for a New September...


The Only Love That Counts


Is the hawks’ love, the fierce

and taloned love that finds itself

in the open above us,

the love that meets foot to foot

and falling,

with only the sharpest,

killing parts

kissing.


They drop as if dead,

together,

towards the wing-

breaking ground that waits

like a promise,

and, amid the rush

of their blood’s hot pull,

they part,

and rise, again, to fall, again,

together.


And in our simple,

timid-with-the-lights-on hearts

everything is done by halves

and, bitterly, we know

we have nothing

half so raw

as the hawks’ truth,

love’s bold,

all-giving

tumble.



Wednesday, July 22, 2009

In Defense of Fear

In Defense of Fear:

Finding a Place for Large Carnivores in the American Psyche

It has become dreadfully cliché among writers to exclaim how once having met the grizzly on its home turf, one never again looks at the country in the same way. But there are only so many ways to dress up the same naked truth of that statement, and no honest way to omit it, so I’ll simply repeat the mantra.

- William Stolzenburg

I was doing everything wrong. To begin with, I was breaking the first tenant of wilderness safety, hiking alone, and, amplifying my error, I was hiking alone in bear country. There are precious few places in the lower forty-eight that can still be classed ‘bear country’, but I was surely in one of them: Glacier National Park, in northwestern Montana. I was on the east side of the park, hiking along Lake Josephine. There are certain suggestions, if not rules, about hiking in bear country. The first is to travel in groups. I was obviously not doing so. The next is to make ample noise, alerting any nearby grizzlies to the presence of a human, and many hikers employ bear bells for this purpose, small jingle bells worn on the body to herald the approach of a homo sapien. I found the bells noisome and intrusive; I wore none. I sang, occasionally, and shouted out half-heartedly from time to time “hey bear, Hey Bear!”, but the sound of my own single voice in all that wild expanse seemed somehow discourteous. More often than not, I walked in silence, trusting my all too human ears. I carried bear spray, a noxious and potent version of pepper spray, holstered like a pistol on my hip, but my faith in the lone, small canister was tenuous at best. There’s a Montana aphorism that goes something like this: ‘how can you identify grizzly shit? It smells like pepper and has bells in it’.

Like most gallows humor, the joke has dark truth at its heart. It bespeaks a sort of fatalism that one must eventually adopt in the face of something as powerful as a grizzly bear. Against seven hundred pounds of instinct, hunger, and muscle, the best of human cunning and artifice often amounts to little. Tiny brass bells and weaponized hot sauce can only ever offer so much security. To be out amongst grizzlies is to be, ultimately, in danger.

It was a conscious choice on my part to put myself in that danger. I was not hiking out of recklessness or with a thrill-seeker’s half-hidden death wish, but out of a measured need to be, for perhaps the first time, a second tier player in the food chain. I wanted, in some inexpressible part of my mind, to surrender myself up to a newly felt, deeply rooted fear. I wanted to feel, for a moment, what it was to be prey. I would get my wish.

The fear I sought was a fear familiar to our ancestors, a fear deeply ingrained within us still. Even after lowering themselves from the trees, the first early human forbearers had to contend themselves with the large carnivores of the African savannah. The lions, leopards, and hyenas that shared the grasslands with the new walking apes found little distinction between them and any other living meal; the infancy of our species was spent as prey. An australopithecine skull recovered from a bone-strewn cave on the edge of the Kalahari bears the all too evident marks of a violent death. The skull, that of a child, is pierced almost methodically at the braincase and cracked along the base of the cranium, just as modern-day baboon skulls are often found to be damaged. The holes match up almost perfectly to the talons of the protohuman’s killer. The murderer was an African crowned eagle. Our ancestor’s flesh was the eagle’s feast.

Yet all too quickly, early man began to push back against his predatory antagonists. Armed with stone, brain, and fire, man first defended himself, and then drove away killers from their own kills. Man became a scavenger, then a hunter in his own right, spreading out across the globe. The fear of the predator, which still lay in the primate mind of humanity, became twisted into hatred and contempt. With spear, bow, musket, and deadfall, man began to take a prey’s revenge on his tormentor, almost methodically. The slaughter reached its bloody pinnacle on the continent of North America.

In the Americas, European colonists found a host of carnivores, both those familiar, and novel. While wolves had long been hated and hunted in the Old World, Europe had nothing to match the stealthy prowling of the mountain lion or the sheer brute force of the grizzly bear, Ursus arctos horribilis. Presented with these predatory affronts to their God-given right of dominion, Europeans began exterminating large carnivores with a gusto unmatched in human history. With rifles, steel leg traps, and strychnine-laced, airplane-dropped tallow balls, humans butchered everything from foxes to wolverines to eagles. The death toll was, and continues to be, staggering. Nearly 100,000 coyotes alone are still killed annually in the contiguous United States, ostensibly in the name of livestock protection. From its historic range, which stretched from Mexico to Alaska and from the Pacific to the Mississippi, the grizzly bear was driven North, retreating into the Canadian Rockies, holding on by razor thin margins in isolated pockets such as Yellowstone National Park. Although featured prominently on the flag of California, the grizzly was wiped out of the state. In the lower forty-eight, the species retained barely one or two percent of its former range. For some humans, even that was too much.

And yet, slowly, almost glacially, some Americans’ attitudes began to change. In the absence of large predators, their necessity became apparent. Predators were examined for the first time from a scientific perspective, and throughout the twentieth and early twenty-first century, more and more evidence began to mount up in defense of the role carnivores played in maintaining ecosystem health. One of the earliest and most vocal champions of the predator was Aldo Leopold, a wildlife manager and a convert, who, in his early days, had been a leading proponent of predator removal. In his seminal essay ‘Thinking Like a Mountain’, Leopold describes, perhaps with poetic license, his own shooting of a she-wolf in the American southwest. As he watched “a fierce green fire dying in her eyes”, Leopold came to realize the wolves’ importance in the landscape. Years earlier, he had seen with his own eyes the effects of removing predators from the land.

On the Kaibab Plateau in Arizona, all the native wolves, cougars, and coyotes had been extirpated, leaving only an unchecked population of mule deer. In the absence of natural predation, the deer population exploded, first denuding the earth of all edible plants, and then crashing in short order. Thousands of deer died slow and awful deaths of starvation and disease. Leopold carried with him the unpleasant sight of skeletal mule deer too weak to stand. He came to realize how crucial a role predators actually played in keeping both their prey and habitat healthy. To think like a mountain was to appreciate the importance of every piece in the complex ecosystem, even those pieces with the most fearsome of teeth and claws.

Leopold’s theory was born out again and again by evidence gathered under scientific conditions. On predator-free islands in a man-made lake in Venezuela, howler monkeys and leaf-cutter ants ate their jungle to ruins. In the eastern United States, without wolves or mountain lions, whitetail deer numbers bloomed to unheard of levels, munching away the diverse plant life of the hardwood forests and leaving only ferns and feces. Most notably, the reintroduction in the mid-1990s of the gray wolf to Yellowstone, after nearly sixty years of absence, was followed by a remarkable transformation. Elk and moose, long allowed to linger and over-browse aspen groves, were re-acquainted with their former fear, forced to move from food source to food source instead of grazing patches of brush down to stubs. As the aspen regenerated, streamside erosion lessened. Beavers returned. Wildflowers sprang up anew, unmolested by the constant cropping of ungulate teeth. Ravens, golden eagles, even bears proliferated, fed on newly available wolf-killed carrion. Even songbirds, nesting in the re-grown aspen thickets, began to appear in greater and greater numbers. All this took place in the span of a mere five or so years. In Yellowstone, the return of the wolves was trumpeted with birdsong, and garlanded with wildflower blossoms.

Yet science will only take us so far. Although the need for large carnivores in ecosystems is now a scientifically provable fact, the survival of predators, particularly the man-eating kind, will never be merely a scientific matter. Rather, their survival hinges on the all too ethereal nature of the human spirit. To speak of Americans specifically for a moment, we, as a people, need to see if we have the capacity in ourselves to live with large predators, to allow them to live. Certainly many among us do not; hatred of wolves, bears, cougars, even coyotes, is as virulent today in some places as it ever was. In Alaska, rifle-armed sharpshooters in bush-planes continue to kill wolves in a misguided attempt to keep game species such as caribou safe. Our tax dollars fund the effort.

Yet it’s fairly easy for most compassionate Americans to decry such a situation. It is, after all, distant, almost theoretical. It’s much more difficult to embrace carnivores when they begin to return to your own back yard. In some parts of the country, southern California, the Northeast, this issue is coming to the fore, as mountain lions stalk joggers and black bears re-colonize suburban New Jersey. People who never expected to are having to face the prospect, infinitely slight though it may be, that they will encounter in their daily lives something that could kill them, and perhaps wants to. Such a concern should not be taken lightly. Fear of the carnivore is one of the most deeply ingrained in the human psyche; it’s why we jump when we see something move suddenly in our peripheral vision. And though the chances of once more becoming prey in the modern world are almost negligible, the actual horror of a predator attack shouldn’t be glossed over either. Consider the following account of a grizzly mauling, almost salacious in its details, yet all too real:

The bear quickly dropped onto four legs and ran after and attacked Cohoe, who was still running. Within seconds the huge bear clasped its powerful jaws around Cohoe’s face and bit. Cohoe screamed and within a minute or two the bear attacked twice more. Late the next morning the investigative team at the mauling site found fishing gear and the upper part of Cohoe’s jaw and mouth with nine teeth, his nose, and a large piece of his cheek. About a week later Cohoe died from his injuries.

Our fears are there for a reason. But perhaps it’s time to embrace them. We live daily in a world unfathomably more dangerous that the lion-thick Serengeti or the grizzly haunted McKinley Range. A lone tractor-trailer on the highway can with a single motion kill more people that have been killed by cougars and bears combined in the past fifty years. Our fear of the beast is not misplaced, simply out of proportion.

It’s time to accept fear, to be washed in it, to remember what it was to be less than godly in our dealings with the natural world. Now more than ever, we need a touch of that humbleness which fear brings. We need to see ourselves, at last, as part of the natural order rather than usurpers of it. If placing ourselves willingly, daringly, back in the food chain is the way to change our perceptions, then so be it. The world needs our perceptions changed. The large predators of this planet are important, crucial in ways that we are only now beginning to understand, now that we have done so much to expunge them from the face of the earth. It’s time to allow the carnivore back into our lives, to live alongside them, to accept the danger of it. To accept that beauty, order, birdsong and wildflower all must in some way come with risk. To walk carefully, with the hairs on the napes of our necks standing, and our hearts beating wildly in our chests.

In Glacier, I hiked alone, and almost died for it. Rounding a bend in the trail, along the shore of Lake Josephine, I came upon two feeding grizzlies. I had been too quiet, and the bears, who should normally avoid humans if forewarned, had not heard my approach until too late. As I rounded the bend, I heard them first, grunts so low as to be felt, tectonically, in my gut. Brown masses rising in the brush, twenty or thirty yards off the trail to my right. Everything clenchable in me clenched, everything paused — and after but a second or two the bears fell back to browsing on the hillside. I could hear their long, finger-sized claws raking through the rocky soil, a hollow, scraping sound. I was that close. My breath whistled in and out of my nostrils, my jaw ached, set as tightly as it was. I was terrified.

But I waited there. I began to talk to the bears, little nothings said only to let them know I was a human, and still down there behind them. They kept clawing up the earth, grubbing for Glacier lily bulbs in the spring morning sunlight. I sweated, and my knees, honestly, were weak. But I was enthralled too. I was held entranced by the rippling of heavy muscles beneath their brown coats, by the size, by the very presence of the bears. The hillside, the trail, the land, the day itself were all the grizzlies’; I was at their mercy. Yellow balsamroot bloomed beside me. A Swainson’s thrush cried from a nearby juniper. I quaked with fear, true and honestly afraid for perhaps the first time. Gloriously so.

Friday, July 17, 2009

By Blood


The splayed body of the dead deer lay before me. It was a large buck, steaming in the November dawn, with the grass about it frosted and standing like a field of bayonets, each blade icy and sharp. I had begun to cut in already, carefully through the paunch, up through the skin at the sternum, and forcefully in through the ribs. I stood back for a moment. On it’s back, the cauldron formed from the buck’s spread chest held a sea of blood, enough, it seemed, to swamp the world. More than enough. My hands already bloody, I pushed my rolled sleeves farther up my arms with the bridge of my nose. Kneeling, knife in hand, I sank my fists into that red gulf.

The blood was scalding. Half numb from the morning’s cold, my hands burned in the pooled liquid. I was amazed that anything could carry such fire within it, that anything could hold such a heat and yet live. If ever there was a meaning, if ever there was a secret to be discovered, it would be here, I thought, in the once-living fire of the buck’s blood. My hands disappeared to the wrist, running over and across the organs, plumbing the depths of the dead animal’s chest for some mystery, some clue.

I found…nothing.

Well, certainly not nothing. But of the great and romantic ideal I sought, there was hardly a trace. There was blood, sickly bright, clotting here and there, and the close, fecal stench of the deer’s guts rising up into my lowered face. There was bone, and flaps of cut skin, and white hairs plastered, with blood, on my arms. Beyond all that, behind it, I could discern nothing clear. I wasn’t even sure what I was looking for.

I had been raised in a hunting family. The sight of a gutted whitetail hanging from a limb was a childhood sight, an unexamined facet of youth, and of home. Yet years had separated me from the practice, first at boarding school, then college, till the hunt became a half-mythologized pursuit of my father, of my fore-fathers. I studied it, and read about it, more than I did it. I came to love Hemingway, the rugged white hunter stalking the green hills of Africa, and the measured philosophies of Josè Ortega y Gasset’s Meditations on Hunting. Both men, and writers like them, romanticized the hunt, turning it into an idealized concept of masculinity and death. I was captivated by it, struggling as I was to place my family’s acts in a context other than redneck gun-love. I heard such literature called hunter porn; I despised the term. Hunting was a sport, an art, the past-time of kings and the heritage left us by our stone-armed ancestors. Hunting was never about the killing. The killing was anathema to the pursuit, a sad byproduct, if anything. It was a dirty word, uttered by the base and unlearned, disrespectful to the sacred sacrifice of the quarry. The chase was all that mattered, the heart-rending ballet of man and beast, the duet of predator and prey, a passion play between equals. Hunting was never about the killing.

Yet I had just killed the deer. It was dead, by my hand, when minutes earlier it had walked, very much alive, from the woods on the other side of the field. It came on with a quickness and a purpose as the dawn was still spilling out around us, perhaps following the scent of a doe, perhaps hungry. Still and waiting in the boll of a tree, I had shot the buck twice. The rifle had been shatteringly loud in the quiet air. The deer had only fallen with the second shot: I watched it go to its knees and fall through the hard lens of the scope. To say that I had done anything other than kill it would be a lie.

There were other cracks in the romantic façade as well. I had not been stalking wapiti in the Wasatch Range or the Absarokas, I had not been tracking cape buffalo along Kenya’s Mau Escarpment; I was on the driving range of a golf course in Connecticut. The whitetail there had become as thick on the ground as rabbits. I was hunting to protect the landscaping as much as anything.

Nor was that deer the first I’d shot. I’d killed several deer over the years, yet always with my father, who, out of habit or impatience, or lack of trust, had always done the messy work of cleaning the carcass. Though I was in my mid-twenties, the buck I was now wrist deep within was merely the first I was attempting to dress on my own.

It proved a sobering task. The first cut had been made with delicacy, wicking the blade of the skinning knife across the abdomen, deep enough to pierce the hide without rupturing the stomach within. In contrast to that care, hacking through the rib-cage had been more of an exercise in shear brute force. As I then knelt, hands in the body cavity, it was the stink that became most immediate. So intimately close to the buck, the mess of scents overwhelmed me. Male whitetails have a musk, carried in glands on the rear legs, strong enough that, hiking in the woods, I’d often known by smell when a buck had recently passed. Inches away, that musk was cloying and sickly. It mingled with the bloated stench of bowel and dung rising from the deer’s exposed gut. Breathing through my mouth, I bent into the odor.

With a knife, I felt gingerly around the buck’s stomach, carefully cutting the fascia that held it in place. I traced down along the intestines, holding back gagging, to the deer’s rectum, unceremoniously and swiftly circling it with the knife as best I could. The entire workings, the means by which the buck ate and lived, became a sloppy armful, a blood-slick sack filled with digested and digesting plant matter. I scooped it up, and plopped it onto the cold ground.

Then, reluctantly, hesitantly, I cut away the deer’s penis and testes, emasculating the buck. It was an important step; the testosterone and hormones found within can sour the meat, making everything a waste. Still, it was awkward. I tried to muster up a journeyman’s nonchalance, but nothing in the world felt more disrespectful in that moment than stealing the buck’s pride. Not sure quite what to do, I heaved the remains into the brush.

I set about removing the rest of the organs from the body. The heavy liver, I picked up in two hands, and then took out kidneys, bladder, and everything else below the diaphragm. From where I had cut off the stomach, I followed the throat up into the chest, pulling down on the windpipe and slicing it out as far up as I could reach. The lungs were two ruins: I had aimed for the deer’s chest, the region of vital organs my father had always called the boiler-room. The slugs’ passing through the buck’s breast had made a mess of the twin lungs. And the heart as well.

It seemed like the heart should have been talismanic, that I should have been able to pull it out fully formed, and hold it in my hand, biting it perhaps as the Cheyenne and Pawnee had been known to bite into bison hearts. At the very least weighing it there upon my palm, hoping that on those scales of balance my own life measured worthy. But the buck’s heart had been left a broken and pulpy thing. I told myself that meant the kill had been clean, the death as sudden as I could make it. I scooped out the pieces of heart in handfuls.

The cleaning largely done, I grasped the buck by his legs, and tipped it over. The body, though heavily muscled, had not yet stiffened, and it turned loosely. The opened torso of the deer spilled out all that blood across the ground, down the slight rise on which the body had lain. The frosted grass melted under the tide, and the earth soaked up the blood. Everything was left red.

I was un-traumatized, I was un-astounded. I took the deer to the butchers, and would receive it back again wrapped in butcher’s paper. The cleaning, the stink and the indecency and the puzzlingly out of muscle and bone, was suitably repugnant; perhaps it should be so. Perhaps such things, killing, dismemberment, need to remain terrible enough to give us pause. It should not be easy. It should not be as easy as cellophane and bar codes. We should choke on it all, a little. We should know the sometimes-awful scramble by which life perpetuates itself, always to the cost of other life. I hunted for the deer, I killed him. I hoped that I deserved the life more. I might not have.

That night, I stood at the kitchen sink in my home. I scrubbed my hands, again and again, with the tallow of the buck stuck beneath my nails. I would smell him on my hands for days to come. The fat also clung to the blades of the knives I had used, and with a sponge I washed it off as best I could. Not paying attention, my hand slipped. The blade ran along the outside of my right index finger, deeply, mercifully not bone deep. Deep enough, though, to make me queasy. I stood there with my hand beneath the cold water, streaming blood down the drain, holding the flaps of my own flesh together. The blood, running out, was as red and bright as the buck’s, as red and bright and precious as anything. I wanted to hold it back inside me, to close up the wound and seal that living-fire back within. But I couldn’t.